Feedback is a skill – why most people get it wrong
We talk about feedback constantly. But when was the last time someone actually taught you how to give it?
Think about the last time someone gave you feedback. How did it feel? Did it make you want to improve, or did it make you feel defensive, small, or misunderstood?
Now think about the last time you gave someone feedback. Were you confident you delivered it well? Or did you hold back, soften it so much it lost its meaning, or say nothing at all?
Most of us were never taught how to give or receive feedback. We were just expected to figure it out. And the result? Feedback that damages relationships, misses the mark, or never gets shared at all.
This is one of the most common gaps I see in organisations – and it is entirely fixable.
Why feedback feels personal
Feedback triggers something deep in us. Our brains are wired to detect threat, and criticism even well intentioned can activate the same fight-or-flight response as physical danger.
This is not a weakness. It is biology. When someone points out something we did wrong, our brain reads it as a signal that we might be rejected from the group. And for most of human history, being rejected from the group meant danger.
Understanding this changes how we approach feedback. It means we need to be intentional about creating safety before we can expect openness.
The difference between feedback and criticism
Criticism attacks the person. Feedback addresses the behaviour.
“You always make things complicated” – that is criticism. It is vague, permanent, and personal.
“In yesterday’s meeting, when you added three new points at the end, it made it hard for the team to stay focused on the decision we needed to make” – That is feedback. It is specific, observable, and about an action, not a character trait.
The shift seems small. The impact is enormous.
A simple model anyone can use: SBI
One of the most effective feedback frameworks I have used is the Situation-Behaviour-Impact (SBI) model:
Situation – describe when and where it happened. “In this morning’s client presentation…”
Behaviour – describe exactly what you observed. “…you interrupted the client twice while they were speaking…”
Impact – describe the effect it had. “…which made them pull back and become less engaged for the rest of the session.”
No labels. No assumptions. No “you always” or “you never.” Just what happened, and what it caused. This is the structure that makes feedback land without triggering defensiveness.
How to receive feedback without getting defensive
Giving good feedback is only half the equation. Receiving it is equally, perhaps more important.
When feedback comes your way, try this: pause before you respond. Take a breath. Say thank you, even if it stings. Ask one clarifying question: “Can you give me an example?” This buys you time and signals that you are taking it seriously.
You do not have to agree with feedback to receive it gracefully. You just have to stay curious rather than defensive.
Building a feedback culture in your team
Individual feedback skills matter. But the real transformation happens when feedback becomes a normal part of how a team operates — not something that only happens during annual reviews or difficult conversations.
This means leaders go first. Asking for feedback openly, responding to it with grace, and making it safe for others to do the same. When people see that feedback is met with curiosity instead of defensiveness, they start to share it more freely.
Culture is built through repeated behaviours. Feedback culture is no different.
The goal of feedback is not to make someone feel good or bad. It is to help them grow. And that is the most human thing we can do for each other at work.
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